After some nutty estimates on the cost of restoring our 1985 Mercedes diesel coupe, and after some frank analysis from one of the younger guys who actually works on our car regularly, it's sadly clear we are not going to keep our beloved [by me, anyway] car much longer.

We'll use the car for school runs and hauling stuff [our other car, an E-Class, has a comically small trunk, whereas our old coupe could fit like eight hypothetical hookers back there, plus the no B-pillar windows meant you could even fit big paintings and stuff in the backseat.]

So here's what I'm thinking

Top priorities:

• great gas mileage, the better the better


• can haul stuff, if not necessarily 4x8 plywood


• so a wagon, probably, but no SUVs--unless there's a miraculous, issue-free, 5-door, 30+mpg Gelandewagen, which is NOT the same thing as a G-Class, don't even start with me--and no minivans--unless you can get me an honest-to-goodness TDI VW Eurovan


• doesn't require quarterly $2000 visits to the shop [see above]


• costs a little more than the annual maintenance costs of the current ride, or about $10-15,000


• not cheap or tacky


• looks great

And what I'm looking at [and not]:

I will not buy a new Mercedes. And that goes for a whole slew of other new cars that somehow manage to lose 60-80% of their value within a few years. Of the only new cars I'd really consider--the Nissan Cube, the Honda Fit, and the Prius V--only the Prius seems to have any actual space. Is that true? I guess it doesn't matter, because some folks around here--not naming any names--really hate the Cube.

Am I missing something? Do you have one of these cars, and love/hate it? I almost want to set up brackets and have a playoff.

He says the blood squirts out of the umbilical cord, I say how high?

Blood hit the wall. We were down at the foot of the bed, and the blood hit the wall above the headboard, like the kill shot in a Korean movie. Six, seven feet, easily, clearing my wife where she lay.

FWIW, I didn't cut the cord, either. If you're really into it, I mean, sure, why not, but also, why? How did that start?

Blood Week | Childbirth Is A Precious Rite Of Passage, If You Enjoy Agony, Terror, And Flying Jets Of Blood [deadspin]

You may know Liza Lou from such elaborately beaded sculptures as Kitchen, the life-size, 168-sq ft replica of a kitchen stuffed with details, all of which were covered in glass beads, placed by hand, with tweezers, by the artist herself, over five years, between 1991-6.

And ten years later, she had focused in a bit, just beading the hell out of this little baby sculpture. Who looks kind of Mayan painting, in a way? Maybe that's why it's called Sacrifice.

Feb 15, 2012, Lot 359: Liza Lou, Sacrifice, est. £45-55,000 [christies.com]
Check out Liza Lou's early story from this 1996 episode of This American Life [thisamericanlife.org]
Liza Lou's dealer in Europe is Thaddaeus Ropac, who I call ThRopac. You should too. [ropac.net]
Previously, not directly related: Hand-beaded My Little Pony

HOLY CRAP, THE DISNEY BABY JUGGERNAUT! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE:

I wanted to share some exciting news from Disney Baby as the brand announced its expansion into Mealtime, Bathtime, Nursery, and Apparel. From Simba in the Nursery to Nemo in the tub, the adorable all-new collections are organized around the key moments in mom and baby's day to make everyday moments even more magical.

Besides, who cares, when Disney Baby basically launches so much product, there's not a Babies R Us big enough to fit them all? Disney Babies R Us. Nemo faucet protectors. Mickey teething rings. 101 Onesies from the Aristocats alone.

Within a season, there will be so much Disney Baby merch in every nook and cranny of every kid shopping experience, it'll be impossible to remember or explain what the world was like in the era B.D.B.

The time when nobody had thought of putting a second row of snaps on the bodysuit crotch so you can use them another six weeks. When--uh, yeah, it's already starting to fog over.

There's a rather insane art exhibition on in the world right now, 331 of the existing Damien Hirst Spot Paintings are on view in all eleven branches of the Gagosian Gallery: three in New York; two in London; plus Paris, Geneva, Rome, Athens, Hong Kong, and LA.

If you see them all, and get your little card stamped to prove it, Hirst will give you a personalized Spot print of some kind. GBonenfant, who finished today,, is th 19th person to do complete the Spot Challenge.

For a little while, I considered chartering a G4 and splitting it 10-11 ways, so that we could make the 8-city, 30,000-mile trip to see all the spot paintings in under 72 hours flat. [A friend at the gallery assured me we could arrange to have them open for us in the middle of the night, if needed.] It was going to cost upwards of $450,000, though, so yeah, no.

Anyway, Hirst painted the first few Spot Paintings himself in the late 1980s, but since then, his assistants have been cranking the "endless" series out with intentionally machine-like precision. So far they've made about 1500 in various shapes, sizes, and densities, but they're all basically just spots. For the titles, Hirst randomly selects pharmaceutical names from a giant physicians' desk reference book.

Which means that there is literally no significance to the fact that this small [9x10 inch] 1995 painting being sold at Sotheby's next week in London is named Bisphenol A, except whatever associations I or you or the baby gear-savvy world project upon it. If that's enough to move you to shell out 50,000, though, now's your chance. Chump.

Feb. 16, 2012, Lot 102: BISPHENOL A, est 35-55,000 GBP. [sothebys.com]

Vancouver-based conceptual artist Rodney Graham's interest in the relationships between texts, literature and music and art were on full view in "Through The Forest," his 2010 mid-career retrospective at the Museu d'Art Contemporani de Barcelona and the Museum für Gegenwartskunst in Basel. And while I knew about his nice transformation of a brass Donald Judd wall sculpture into a bookshelf for the writings of Dr. Freud, his children's trolleys were new to me, and even more awesome.

These enameled steel mini-Judds on wheels each take their color cues from the single, slim Dr. Seuss book encased within. The Children's Trolleys were originally shown in 1993 in Antwerp, and five were included in the retrospective, which was all the adorable attention they needed to start rolling their way onto the auction block.

Last year, Children's Trolley (If I Ran The Zoo) [above] sold at Christie's London for £31,250, nearly $50,000.

And next week, Children's Trolley (On Beyond Zebra) is up at Christie's with the same estimate. Which, at those prices, you'd want to fabricate a replica rather than have the kid push those things into the wall.

When ordering, remember to start with the dimensions of the Classic Seuss editions, 8.3 x 11.4 inches and work your way out to 16½ x 16 7/8 x 8 3/8in. (42 x 43 x 21cm). Send making of photos!

Feb. 15, 2012 Lot 346: Rodney Graham, Children's Trolley (If I Ran The Zoo), est. £25-35,000 [christies.com]

Now we've got five toothpastes in one bathroom alone, and my kids don't know what the hell a TV channel even is.

It's kind of a Gerhard Richter madhouse in the upcoming contemporary art auctions in London next week. The big man's big show at the Tate really flushed out the merch. But this little triptych of overpainted photograpsh of Richter's newborn son are pretty nice.

They were made over the course of several days in November 1999. If I recall correctly, he keeps duplicates of various snapshots in his studio, which he then presses or scrapes or smears along his used paint squeegees. And then he only keeps ones that turn out right. Like the one above that randomly left the in-camera date visible. That was obviously a keeper.

Anyway, a cute, personal way to round out your Richter collection. Or maybe save the 30,000 quid by trying it at home with your own pictures. Because if you think about it, it does seem a little nosey to be buying someone else's baby photos. Also, these do look a little like poo.

Feb. 16, 2012, Lot 293: Gerhard Richter, 3 Overpainted baby photos, 1999, est. GBP 20-30,000 [sothebys.com]
Previously, 09/2009: Overpainted kid photos by Gerhard Richter

Double Bravo Design Studio's sweet little Year You Were Born Card for New York lets you fill in the kind of vital info that the mainstream, non-city-specific baby books leave out. Things like Nearest subway stop, Number of hot dogs eaten at that disgusting Nathan's Coney Island contest; Popular stroller on the street; Cost of Mom's latte--OK, maybe that last one works anywhere.

Anyway, it's a cute, letterpressed memento that will amuse your older self, your grown up kid, and your friends--assuming that 2012 is not the end of the world, of course.

New York City 2012 Letterpress Year You Were Born Card, $6.25, by Double Bravo [etsy via swiss miss]

Last fall, artist Nate Page pulled the windowed facade of the Echo Park gallery Machine Project back 25 feet into the space, creating a temporary "sidewalk alcove" he called Storefront Plaza. Which turns out to be the perfect place to rig up motion detectors and transform the crawling movements of free-range babies into experimental music on the fly.

FAQ

What?

After our friend Sally brought her baby Otto to play Nate Page's Storefront Plaza we realized that we had a perfect baby vivarium on our hands, and if we were going to invite a bunch of babies to crawl around for an afternoon, why not put them to work as variables in a algorithmic sound composition?

How does that work?

Scott Cazan has written some software for the occasion that uses a camera and a computer to track the movement of the babies and convert that information into different sounds.

How will that sound?

Who knows, we've done this before. It could sound terrible, not work, be boring, embarrass everyone and end in tears - like most everything at Machine Project.

Infantcore, Feb. 18 at Machine Project [machineproject via eyeteeth]

Now it's France's turn. Pamela Druckerman's article about her new book, Bringing up Bébé, is titled "Why French Parents Are Superior." I know, you can't blame the headline on the writer, right? Well, she is responsible for writing this:

Rest assured, I certainly don't suffer from a pro-France bias. Au contraire, I'm not even sure that I like living here. I certainly don't want my kids growing up to become sniffy Parisians.

So there is a demanding parenting demographic who are aware enough to buy a book, but yet also xenophobic enough to hate both the fact of the book and its subjects, and also ignorant enough to unskeptically buy into generations-old cliches and stereotypes, who are going to buy this book. That's the plan. It seems like the stupidest idea the publishing and media industry has ever come up with.

Which is all too bad because, wow, judging just from the brief excerpts Kottke pulled from Druckerman's article, the parenting advice she's giving is solid gold. All this stuff about teaching kids independence, self-soothing, self-control, and the stuff about consistency and steadiness, it sounds great. We try to do a lot of this stuff here in America, and though neither we nor our kids are perfect, a lot of it has been a hugely stress-relieving success.

Which ironically makes Druckerman's book just like France itself: it's awesome, I love it, if only it weren't for the French.

Why French Parents Are Superior [wsj via kottke]
You'll hate yourself either way, so just buy Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting and get it over with [amazon]
Ha. "Customers buy this book with French Women Don't Get Fat"

Thanks to his dedicated efforts as the founding editorial director of the Chilton automotive publishing concern, and as the instigator for and vice president of the Philadelphia chapter of the Society of Automotive Engineers, Eugene S. Foljambe had already done much to evangelize the automobile by 1917.

That's when he filed his patent application for perhaps his most undeservedly underappreciated contribution to the Age of The Car: the Sounding Wheeled Toy, a gaily painted wooden ride-on contraption "which in the trade is known as a hobby-auto."

Foljambe patented two variations of his hobby auto design; the first [top] is like a horseless hobby horse, with a steering wheel where the head should be, and two wheels in back. The second adaptation/conversion adds a front wheel and maybe a seat, turning the hobby auto into a car-themed Like-A-Trike.

It's not clear if Foljambe's hobby auto ever made it into production. I can find no mention of it in the S.A.E. newsletters. And Foljambe only quit his Chilton dayjob for health reasons, taking a position at Goodyear tire in LA in 1920. If one ever turns up, I hope to hear about it.

Patent no. 1,276,747, Sounding Wheeled Toy, Eugene S. Foljambe, Aug 27, 1918 [google patents, thanks dt patent shark dt]

Richard Hogg's Stealthie is the kind of thing that'd happen if the hipster-kawaii art group Friends With You did colabos with the Military Industrial Complex instead of edgy, underground mall developers and AOL.

Make it so!:

Stealthie is a Northrop Grumman B-2 Spirit! She likes: matte black, skunks, killing people. She dislikes: Radar, Collateral damage.

Hi, I'm Stealthie! [h099.com via timo arnall]

Word Mark BLUE IVY CARTER

Goods and Services IC 003. US 001 004 006 050 051 052. G & S: Fragrances, cosmetics, skin care products, namely, non-medicated skin care preparations, non-medicated skin care creams and lotions, namely, body cream, hand cream, skin lotion, body lotions, skin moisturizers, skin emollient, skin cleansing creams, skin cleansing lotions, all for adults and infants; hair care products, namely, non-medicated hair care preparations, non-medicated hair gel, shampoo, conditioner, hair mousse, hair oils, hair pomades, hair spray

IC 006. US 002 012 013 014 023 025 050. G & S: Metal key chains and metal key rings

IC 009. US 021 023 026 036 038. G & S: DVDs, CDs, and audio and visual sound recordings featuring musical performances; musical sound recordings; computer application software for mobile phones, portable media players, and handheld computers for use in downloading music, ring tones and video games; handheld and mobile digital electronic devices, namely, tablet PCs, cellular phones, laptops, portable media players, handheld computers; cases and covers for mobile phones and mobile digital electronic devices, namely, laptops, cell phones, radio pagers, mobile computers; downloadable web-based application software in the nature of a mobile application downloadable to handheld and mobile digital electronic devices for use in downloading music, ring tones and video games; decorative magnets, eyewear, eyeglass cases; computer bags; graduated glassware; hair accessories, namely, electric hair-curlers

IC 012. US 019 021 023 031 035 044. G & S: Baby carriages, baby strollers

IC 014. US 002 027 028 050. G & S: Key chains and key rings of precious metal; fine and costume jewelry, clocks and watches

IC 016. US 002 005 022 023 029 037 038 050. G & S: Books in the field of music, motion pictures, musical performers; photographs; posters; baby books; stickers; print materials, namely, art prints, color prints, concert programs, calendars, pens, post cards; gift bags; paper flags; trading cards; paper baby bibs

IC 018. US 001 002 003 022 041. G & S: Bags, namely, tote bags, beach bags, handbags, diaper bags, baby carriers worn on the body, pouch baby carriers, luggage; small leather goods, namely, leather cases, leather bags and wallets, leather purses, leather billfolds, leather key chains, leather key cases

IC 020. US 002 013 022 025 032 050. G & S: Plastic key chains and plastic key rings; small leather goods, namely, leather picture frames, leather key fobs, and leather key holders; plastic flags; vinyl banners, baby bouncers, baby changing mats, baby changing tables, high chairs for babies, playpens for babies

IC 021. US 002 013 023 029 030 033 040 050. G & S: Mugs; beverage glassware; plastic water bottles sold empty; hair accessories, namely, hair combs; baby bathtubs; drinking cups for babies

IC 024. US 042 050. G & S: Banners of cloth, nylon; flags, namely, cloth flags, nylon flags; towels; baby bedding, namely, bundle bags, swaddling blankets, crib bumpers, fitted crib sheets, crib skirts, crib blankets; baby blankets

IC 025. US 022 039. G & S: Clothing for adults, infants and toddlers, namely, shoes, shirts, pants, dresses, vest, undergarments, coats, jackets, shorts, sweatshirts, sweatpants, sweaters, blouses; clothing accessories, namely, belts, scarves, socks, gloves, earmuffs, hats, caps, tights, stockings, pantyhose, baby layettes for clothing, plastic baby bibs; footwear, headwear

IC 026. US 037 039 040 042 050. G & S: Hair accessories, namely, hair ties, hair scrunchies, barrettes, hair bands, hair bows, hair clips, hair pins, hair ribbons, ponytail holders; novelty button

IC 028. US 022 023 038 050. G & S: Playing cards, balls, namely, basketballs, baseballs, footballs, kick balls, rubber balls, beach balls, golf balls, hand balls, tennis balls, racquet balls, soccer balls, sport balls; dolls, baby multiple activity toys, baby rattles, baby teething rings, baby swings

IC 035. US 100 101 102. G & S: Product merchandising; online retail store services featuring music, musical recordings, motion pictures, clothing and accessories, novelty items; Entertainment marketing services, namely, marketing, promotion and advertising for recording and performing artists

IC 041. US 100 101 107. G & S: Entertainment services, namely, providing online video games, dance events by a recording artist, multimedia production services; Entertainment services in the nature of live musical performances; production of motion picture films, fan clubs
Standard Characters Claimed
Mark Drawing Code (4) STANDARD CHARACTER MARK
Serial Number 85526099
Filing Date January 26, 2012
Current Filing Basis 1B
Original Filing Basis 1B
Owner (APPLICANT) BGK Trademark Holdings, LLC LIMITED LIABILITY COMPANY DELAWARE c/o Reed Smith LLP 599 Lexington Avenue New York NEW YORK 10022
Attorney of Record Meredith D. Pikser
Type of Mark TRADEMARK. SERVICE MARK
Register PRINCIPAL
Live/Dead Indicator LIVE

Good googly moogly, all this work on DIY/modular/industrial/plywood/Bauhaus bedroom furniture and I'm only finding out about Metamorphokit NOW??

I am clearly doing it wrong:

Dubbed Metamorphokit by the designers [CalArts faculty member Peter de Bretteville and Toby Cowan], it was a kit of modular parts: a combination of chromed tubular steel structural elements, Formica-laminated panels and storage boxes of Finnish plywood, and standard plastic bins. The design had its roots in iconic Modernist furniture: the use of tubular steel quoted furniture designed by Mart Stam and Marcel Breuer at the Bauhaus in the late 1920s and later manufactured by Thonet; the plastic bins served as drawers when used in conjunction with the boxes, recalling Charlotte Perriand's modular case goods of the late 1940s in form, color and concept; and the Finnish plywood and industrial hardware were reminiscent of Charles and Ray Eames' storage units of 1950. The dimensions of the various parts were carefully planned to allow them to be assembled by the students in an infinite number of ways to suit any imaginable need. Assembly of the components would serve as the student artists' first creative challenge on their arrival at CalArts.

There is also a sketch for a bunkbed. Which, despite being made of canvas cots, looks approximately 100x safer than the bunkbed as actually built by this dude. Are those beds turned on end? Doesn't that concentrate an incredible force in the wrong direction on the crossbar supports? How many days before it fell down?

According to CalArts' blog, most of the dorm furniture is now "gone"; only the Metamorphokit work table thrives on campus. Fortunately, you can relive much of the excitement of the three-degrees-removed Bauhaus at Ikea; theTrofast storage system is a dead ringer for the Metamorphokit boxes. I will look more closely at these bunkbeds, though.

UPDATE: not totally gone, though, nor forgotten. Here's a dorm room photo from 2007 with a couple of beds and desk/box setups. And here's a mom's flashback photo to her c.1980 CalArts dorm room. I'd say not aging terribly well is a central feature of the Metamorphokit system.

Metamorphokit: you can make it anything you want [blog.calarts.edu via icaphila]
East of Borneo Seventies Flashback [icaphila.org]
[all images thoroughly ganked from blog.calarts.edu, except the top, assembled bed, via pdebarc]

"When you're seeing any other color, they're all made up of red, yellow and blue"?

No, OK Go, no they are not.

If They Might Be Giants can embrace the progress of Science, recognize the error of their original version's lyrics and change "The Sun Is A Mass Of Incandescent Gas" to "The Sun Is A Miasma Of Incandescent Plasma," then Sesame Street can certainly correct this OK Go video's centuries-out-of-date misconceptions about color theory, material trichromacy, and the differences between additive and subtractive color mixing.

Obviously, given the persistence of the RYB Color Model and its centrality to the song and the video, I think we can assume a switch to RGB, or cyan, magenta and yellow is out of the question. So the simplest fix is will have to do:

Sesame Workshop needs to pull a couple of people off their Abby Cadabby merchandise research projects, lock them in the room with a lyricist, and give them a week to figure out the scientifically accurate way to change "any" to "many."

Hop to, Muppets, every additional YouTube view is a kid being lied to. By you.

Sesame Street | OK Go - Three Primary Colors [youtube]
RYB Color Model [wikipedia]
Previously: Actually, the sun is NOT a mass of incandescent gas

But seriously, babywearing, rockclimbing, Welsh single mum with the helmet on your own melon, WHY THE @#()$ doesn't the kid get a helmet, too??

After receiving attention from the picture posted online of Ffion without a helmet, Ms Pritchard was quick to stress she never did anything she believed would put Ffion at risk.

Rock climbing with baby on board for Menna Pritchard and Ffion, two [bbc via dt sr wtf correspondent sara]

I'm sure it's beautifully done, but really, I'm only posting about Ithys Press's new letterpress edition of one of James Joyce's two stories for kids, The Cats of Copenhagen, which is actually the first time it's been published as a book, which, interesting, but seriously, the only reason I'm posting about it is so I can repost this awesome David Letterman tribute to Paul Newman.

The Cats of Copenhagen of James Joyce, in two editions, EUR1200 or EUR300 [ithyspress.com]
I am humbled and pleased to see that Daddy Types is still the top Google search for "Paul Newman Volvo"

I still can't get over how pitch perfectly cute and awesome Greg Foley's Thank You Bear is. Such great books. And there's a little website, too? I didn't know Bear was pixelated!

ThankYouBear.com [thankyoubear.com]

Alright, maybe one more. This xkcd list of girl names is pretty outstanding. Nothing against Chipotla, but if I could spell "[sound of record scratch]," it would've been my top pick.

xkcd.com/1011 [xkcd via rolf again, like I said, the google reader's en fuego]

Really, what needs to be said? It's 8:30AM, and I think my blogging work is done here today.

[via likecool.com, thanks (sic) dt reader rlf, whose google reader is a thing of terrible beauty]
Previously, 2005, the lost beginning of the toddler beauty pageant photoshop horror meme: 'Because daughters are...angels with attitude'

David Shrigley | Brain Activity, Feb 1 through May 12, 2011 [southbankcentre.co.uk via guardian]
Check out 100+ David Shrigley books and stuff on Amazon, I lost track years ago [amazon]

To add a little bit of meta to Adam Ladd's video of his 5yo's impressions of corporate logos, K2's impression was that it was Marcel The Shell.

Fresh Impressions of Brandmarks (from my 5-year-old) [youtube via swiss miss]

Oh man, not only are these kid dishes from the pioneering crafty hipsters at Heath Ceramics gorgeous, they are also gorgeous. Let's just savor the gorgeousness for a second.

They're available in fruit [top] and veggie [above] colors, and they sit well with the grown-up Heath Ceramics tableware, without matching exactly. They're about as expensive as the regular stuff, too, which, why wouldn't they be?

But what I was going to say up top is that Heath has thrown so much cutebait out with these dishes, there's gonna be a hipsterparentblogging frenzy. Because there's also a Heath coloring book, a Heath puzzle, a little, wooden toy Heath delivery truck... Basically, no grandparent with a kitchen remodeling project is going to make it out of Sausalito untapped.

Heath Ceramics kids tableware, $75-135, probably in the retail locations, because it's not online yet [heathceramics via publicist]